....minus the tampons and what ifs.
Maybe it is hormones.
Maybe it is the transition to Winter and lack of daylight.
Maybe the never ending cloud cover. Lack of funds. Too much going on. Too little going on. I don't know.
I am just so sad and lonely and don't know why. I hate not understanding it. If things were truly sucky, then I could understand. But really, life is only a little bit sucky right now. There is certainly enough good happening to balance the bad. At least in my mind.
This entire year has been bitter sweet. On paper it looks horrible. K- and I both tend to forget all the drama of 2009, mostly because it feels like it all happened a million years ago. And also because things that devastate many people, tend to roll off our backs. Especially, of course, when we have something good in the here and now to focus on.
I am not depressed, or really sad even, but I seem to be in a constant state of melancholy. Maybe this is just my normal time to be weepy and I forgot.
I am very lonely, both in real life and in my online life.
I feel as though I have lost some friends as well as part of myself. Part of my infertile self I guess. It is not like I was fond of my infertile self, but it was still ME. To have that part taken away is still disheartening. Slap a "pregnant" label on me and I am suddenly "other". An untouchable. (Or overly touchable for strangers with no boundaries, but that is another subject for another day.)
There was a certain level of camaraderie that is now gone.
Theoretically, there is another side I now belong on, but I don't know where to find it. Or more accurately, I don't know how to enter it. I am unfamiliar with the language they speak there.
We were at another wedding recently. Once again, I sat alone in the corner watching everyone drinking and dancing. I have always been a bit of a wallflower, however, it seemed more significant this time. My tolerance for obnoxious people has gotten lower.
I took part in an awkward conversation with the bride's grandmother. My own grandmother pointed to my mother and said she was going to be a grandma. The bride's grandma looks at me and says "Yes, I heard about that. Let's hope it doesn't die."
I just sat there sort of speechless for a moment.
"Um...yeah...hopefully."
She then launched into a story about miscarriages and subsequent pregnancies. I eventually excused myself to the restroom. Despite it being strange, I sort of appreciated her blunt recognition that bad things not only happen, but frequently and often times to good people.
***
I am almost there. Twelve more weeks. The homestretch. I am getting close to the grand prize. That thing I longed for, for so long, is becoming a reality. I have a lot to do before it happens, but I am not too worried.
And because of this, I cannot for the life of me, figure out my problem. I am excited, yet gloomy.
I hope it is something that can be chalked up to hormones and a lack of exercise.
I imagine some fresh air and sunshine would help. Some walking. Unfortunately most simple tasks have me doubled over with crampy Braxton Hicks and a strange leakage I would prefer not to discuss. Having to spend your time sitting and lying around, when you're already weepy is difficult. I generally love this time of year, but I find myself wishing I could fast-forward to late January.
I want to meet this person who has so much control over my body and emotions.
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13 Comments:
Lovely, honest post, my friend. (I hope you do not feel as though you have lost me!)
I am sorry to hear you are struggling with feelings of isolation and general moodiness. I would guess the large slice is hormonal, but I'm no expert. The other part is just as real- changing teams, finding your new place, making new friends, shedding part of your old comfortable familiar self and seeing new unfamiliar parts you are yet to figure out. The hormones are just the vehicle that is giving you access to these new places.
What you describe is part of the experience of changing, and growing as a human being, and it is always challenging. So the good part is that your feelings are totally normal, the harder part is accepting you just have to sit with them while they tell you important things about what you need, (maybe some support?) and how to get what you need (take some risks?).
I certainly don't have any answers, but wanted to put up my hand for the job of support, in case you think you can't ask me (but asking those kind of people is part of taking some risks!). xx
I'm betting hormones are a significant factor along with all the other crap. I've had periods of that type of feeling that were AWFUL during this. And BH sucks, but you'll be ok!
Hope it doesn't die? Wow. Brave to say huh?
I still love you!!! And I'm really happy for you too. (((HUGS)))
I vote for hormones too. But don't discount the time of year & the whole SAD thing. I just wrote a venting post this past week about how November is my second-least favourite month. Dark, grey, gloomy. :p
"Let's hope it doesn't die." ?!!?Yikes!!!
I don't have any real insight on the pregnant thing. BUT. I can say that I your feelings of isolation associated with transitioning from IF to pg seem pretty normal... or at least understandable.
I'm excited for January for you too! :)
The thing I find hard about the lonely/melancholy feeling is the guilt that comes along with it. I mean, the lonely and melancholy part isn't any fun either, but the guilt just makes it harder. Hormones are totally a large part of it, but the other stuff is too. Maybe if you start reading a fun book, it will help take your mind off it, even for just a little while.
I'm sorry that you're feeling melancholy. My guess is a combination of pregnancy hormones, SAD, and lack of activity. I always feel horrible when I've just been sitting around for too long, and you're such an active person. I can imagine that it's hard.
As for the isolation, I still feel it two years after Eggbert was born. I'm still not one thing or the other. Still infertile (officially now, since we've been ttc#2 for >1 year), but also a mom, and painfully conscious that many infertiles do NOT want to hear me whining. I was lucky enough to find a cohort of pregnant infertiles to go through the transition with, but now they're mostly pregnant with #2 (or have #2), so it's hard again.
The good thing is that it's worth it. Despite your melancholy, I'm thrilled for you and can't wait until January. In the mean time, hang in there!
Even though I only knew of my pregnancy for 9 days, I remember those feelings I got... the worry, the "where do I belong now" feelings, the (for lack of a better term) depression. I cried a lot during those 9 days (and of course, months afterwards), and I don't know if it was hormones (it probably was, b/c I get the worst PMS; as you probably know) or just like how you said "It is not like I was fond of my infertile self, but it was still ME. To have that part taken away is still disheartening. " I almost felt guilty, like I betrayed those who were still infertile and ttc. It was a really odd feeling.
That was a horrible thing to say, about your unborn baby. You should've slapped her. Old or not... what a bitchy thing to say. Ugly. Sorry, I was reading and I got to that and my mouth dropped. I can't believe the audacity of some people.
Like Daisy, I still love you too!! <3
Nona
I just had my daughter in September, so I can feel your pain. I was constantly gloomy myself and it didn't help that I was home alone all day long until 6-8pm..sometimes later than that. Being 6-7 months pregnant is just the start of the gloomy-ness, well it was for me. The farther along that I was, the more emotional that I got. Like you, I was oh, so excited, but my emotions got the better of me. Trust me, whenever you have your little one, it won't be as bad. But all people are different, you know?
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND the "doubled over with crampy Braxton Hicks and sa strange leakage I would prefer not to discuss". Understanding...*nods*.
BYTHEWAY! I really enjoyed reading your post for the day. It's actually the first blog that I've read where I can read one whole post without going, "Well, that was boring, NEXT!" I really like your style...FOLLOWING! :D
Expect lots of comments from me, lol.
Where I quoted you,
"A" not sa, lol.
Correcting myself.
I just stumbled on your blog this morning, I hope you are feeling better. I have been to the place you describe in this post and struggled with infertility myself. I also loved the post Nov. 12, how everything will change!! I pray that things are going well for you.
I hope you're feeling better. Things are tough sometimes, especially things out of our control. I really hope these next few weeks are uneventful for you. Hang in there. (((Hugs)))
I remember these feelings very well and they're very REAL. you've identified yourself for so long as being one way, and now all that has changed. it's difficult to accept, even though the source for the change is a wonderful thing. i'm afraid that it never goes away because you'll never be the old 'you' again. But, it will get easier to accept in time. And there are lots of us like you who don't fit in to the classic 'IF' group but we also don't fit into the fertile group either. and even after your baby boy is born, you will find that you have less in common with the fertiles, even though in the end you have what they have. the road you took to get it was much different and they will never fully understand or appreciate it. {{{hugs}}}
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